Photo: Dance Magic

I was asked to help decorate for a certain teenager's winter formal dance extravaganza. So you know I had to fit some Martha puffballs in there somehow.

Hey/happy new year/new business plan

Where am I? Is it still 2011? NO?!? Oh my God.

Just kidding, I know it's 2013.

JUST KIDDING I KNOW IT'S THE YEAR OF THE END OF THE WORLD.

Just kidding, I know it's 2012. I rang in the new year in sequins, in San Francisco, with a couple of cute girls.

Photo by H.B. Armstrong

The truth is, I haven't been posting or writing or inspirationalizing because I am trying to come up with a new decorating/blog/business plan for myself, and I haven't quite gotten there yet. I know one thing, and it is that my current strategy is not working out for me.

I am trying to figure out where to go next. I realize that I am so, so lucky to be able to take the first month of the year off for THINKING. And I want you all to know that it has come with a great amount of stress, like the fact that I now have time to run around 30 miles a week and also that I can't buy the cute shirts I want from Madewell! Boo. Boo Brees. (We say that because one time I was Boo Brees for Halloween. Boo Brees, the hot lady ghost of Drew Brees. WHAT?)

Anyway. My business last year mainly consisted of long-distance design, and while it was fun a lot of the time, it offered very little return on either party's investment. The client didn't get the benefit of my being there to shop, arrange furniture, style items, take pictures, etc. And I didn't get the benefit of knowing that after I sent that design board off, the client would do anything at all. That made me sad.

So I am going semi-local -- I live in northeast Louisiana, and while my clients here are all amazing, there aren't that many of them. If you hire me to decorate for you, we will collaborate long-distance for the initial part of the design, and then I will drive/fly/apparate to your city for the installation. I'll coordinate with other clients in those same cities so that I will be there for a week or so each time. It will be awesome, and it will also be so much more fun and interesting and we will have group shopping parties and customized sewing and upholstery and styling and photography OMG WTF AMIRITE?

My fees will be a bit different, obviously. Email me for a new and improved rate sheet.

I am very excited about this, and I hope you are too! I'll be back with the frequent updates soon, and I appreciate your patience. Please send expensive bourbon. THANKS.

PS. I'm starting with the South first: Monroe, Shreveport, Jackson, Dallas, Baton Rouge, New Orleans. If you are in those vicinities, you have priority. (Who dat.)

PPS. If you are an ACTUAL local, which means that you live in Monroe, and you would like to hire me, email or call me ASAP.

Late November/Early December: Recap.

Oh, hello. What's up, Internet? It's December! I just today finished up the last of my decorating projects for the year, so I'm going to take the next few weeks to wrap presents, sip wassail, and re-examine my business plan for the new year. Yay!

I'm pretty good at recaps, maybe you've heard. So now, presenting the last few weeks of my life, as illustrated by Instagram.

I attended Camp Mighty, which was both 1) mighty and 2) camp-like. It was awesome. We talked, we drank, we bonded, we life-listed, we hugged, we saw superband The Tontons, and we learned a bunch of things. Seriously, if you are able, get your ass there next year. Unless you went this year, in which case you already know it was real fabulous.

My trip to Palm Springs also included a bonus couple of days in Los Angeles with Pamela (with whom I am currently not speaking, as she has elected not to spend New Year's Eve with us and the Lowe-Huffs -- A YEARLY TRADITION, I MIGHT ADD.). We had fun times, like when we were at the Roosevelt for hamburgers, and accidentally got invited to Mindy Kaling's book party. No big deal.

While I was away, my handy/nice/dreamy husband replaced all of the screen on our porch and painted the door high-gloss red. He is so awesome I should be using expletives.

I also received some cute packages for future clients in the mail.

Like THIS. Jealous? Me too.

Thanksgiving was the next week, and we observed the sacred tradition of beer and shots at our local bar on Wednesday. If you are not hungover on Thanksgiving Day, you are probably not from the South -- EVERYONE is out late the night before. I remember one year when a friend of mine was so sick she had to skip the WHOLE THING with her family due to throwing up all day long. She is now a revered local legend.

Then it got cold and I turned 36. Wait. I mean, I turned 36 and THEN it got cold. Oh, number forty, you are too near, both in temperature and in age. PS, I hope y'all like this outfit. I picked it out just for you.

This year is the very first that we have had a real tree in our house since we moved into the place. I have gone through so many fake Christmas tree phases over the years that a live one never stood a chance. But when I spotted this semi-flocked one at a local nursery, I couldn't resist. Check out all my awesome Christmas spirit. (Fully decorated tree and living room pic to appear soon.)

A bad thing that has happened in the last two weeks is that I sustained running injury (for the first time in over 3 years, what?). It's my knee. From overuse. Why is that even A THING, y'all? Whatever. HATE. Shut up, knee.

The only prescription for this problem is rest, ice, and stretching. So I have been diligently doing all three, to the detriment of most of my frozen fruit. I ran 5 miles yesterday and everything felt ok, so I'm calling this one over for now. And if not: I WILL CUT A KNEE.

In an insane small-world turn of events, I saw The Tontons AGAIN this past weekend. A block away from my house, at a bar in my town. Not only that, but their manager and I discovered that we graduated from the same college on the same day. We all became best friends instantly, obvs. So that was pretty cool. If you ever get a chance, go see them before they blow up, which will happen soon.

I hope you have enjoyed this educational Instagram recap. Oh, also, if you have any great holiday card ideas featuring all Chaos + Hank, be putting those in the comments. We spend every year trying to top this one from 2006, and we've got nothing.

Roundup: Friday Over Five Hundred

Heather has recently started a "Friday Under Fifty" series, featuring cute things she finds that cost less than fifty dollars. Which was the jumping off point for MY new series -- Friday Over Five Hundred -- featuring cute things I find that cost around or over $500. Welcome to the inaugural issue! You're welcome, bazillionaires.

Here's how I would decorate your living room if you came to me and I said, "What's your budget?" and you said, "What's a budget?" That would be fun.

1. Painting, Meredith Pardue, Laura Rathe Fine Art, call for pricing

2. Montauk Scroll Sofa, $4000

3. Scalamandre Le Tigre silk velvet, famously around $1500/yd.

4. Folke Ohlsson Lounge Chairs, pair, 1st Dibs, $5500

5. Jielde floor lamp, $1395

6. Marble-top coffee table, Wisteria, $499

7. Poodle Lamp, Atelier Abigail Ahern, $375

8. Jonathan Adler Claude Console, $1995

Before and After: Chao Camp Screen Door

Internet, I've been sad about my back patio screen door ever since I posted this picture way back in the early summer. A helpful commenter offered to come over and re-screen it, something I hadn't even noticed until it was mentioned. Oh, the shame! My very nice husband has replaced that screen, oh, a million times. But it always -- as we say down here -- comes a-loose, due to things like human hands and dog hands. Also, the door itself (which is original to the house and thus a million years old) needed to be re-painted and adjusted. So last weekend, we removed the door, took it apart, re-painted, re-screened, added a bar on the back side for y'all's filthy paws, and gave it some general TLC. (Also, by "we," I mean "Vince." Obvs.)

Oh. Well, hello there, hotness.

You'll also note our new (to us) picket fence, which Vince and my heroic brother put up with their bare man hands. We love it -- it offers privacy, but not too much, and now Hank can frolic in the yard without fear of becoming roadkill.

You'd like a closer look, you say? Voila:

Yay! I love it. And, as usual, I apologize about the photo quality -- I had my camera all set up and ready to go this afternoon before I realized that Hank Chao had CHEWED UP MY MEMORY CARD. He is no longer allowed to use the new door. But you are. Come over.